This is a good way to get it clearer and maybe you are at the right place. I still have my doubts but these are of course more general doubts, as I don’t know you and your circumstances, and my point does not apply to you.
Still it is important, to have in mind, that, in an environment with many people, it’s almost never your fault, if things seem wrong for you. This does not mean: just blame others, but it means, not starting to blame yourself. (understand “you” as a general “you”, the reader is meant, not you personal, but as a reader, you too).
You all have a nice day, and remember, you are just fine.