Thank you @oheil.
I think I’ve seen such patterns at my workplace.
Things that have gotten better at work:
- My passion and knowledge in the academic field of my industry.
- My relationships and support from my colleagues.
- My effectiveness in work output (ignoring my autistic and ADHD symptoms).
- My productivity and understanding of MATLAB and C++.
- My understanding of myself.
- The number of times colleagues have approached me for knowledge and help on my specialties.
- My understanding on where Julia can appropriately assist without restricting the experience for others.
Things that have gotten worse:
- My autistic and ADHD symptoms.
- My relationship with MATLAB and C++ programming.
Your comment has prompted me to make such a list, and it clarified where the line is for where the sources of trouble are.
While Julia has been a source of joy and growth, work has as well.
I agree with not letting work make me ill. I’m lucky to have a manager who lets me take as much time off as I need (of course a lot of that turns into leave without pay, which I’m fine with, but that does add to the costs of mental health). I’ve even told him that on occasion I’ll even take a day off of work escaping from MATLAB and/or C++ to code in Julia instead.
But as for why work “makes” me ill, having had a lot of root cause analysis discussions with my friends and psychologist, the conclusion has been my autistic and ADHD symptoms.
My employer isn’t bad, if anything they’re super supportive and sympathetic. They’re just not empathetic because they haven’t experienced what I am experiencing. I’ve found a lot of my friends who themselves aren’t neurodiverse get confused when I make certain decisions (e.g. to not attend their birthday event, very hard for me to justify to them without them feeling sad).
“Anything that costs your mental health isn’t worth it.” I like the saying, but I’ve found in reality that it’s not that black and white. While I do still believe in black and white, I find that the grays in life are black and white when you zoom in. On the opposite extreme of “Your health has top priority,” people have also praised those who sacrificed their lives for others. Martyrs, war victims, etc. But in the context of my workplace, I’ve gradually been able to see the value I’ve been able to add to my company’s products, and understand the investment my company and I are placing in each other. And I value it, and find it a niche corner I’m able to contribute.
Years ago I asked my boss about the impact of my leaving the company, at a time when I had spent a few years already and noted that I felt I hadn’t learnt much. He noted that they would have to find a replacement for this niche field and re-spend that money and time training them to get where I was then. And that helped me understand my value. I had a chat with a different colleague about the fact that he also didn’t feel like he was contributing for the first 15 years of his career at our company. And the reality is, I’ve grown to love my field. I don’t see MATLAB and C++ nor the company I’m working in as the source of my challenges. My psychologist has helped me see that these challenges of mine have manifested in my life even before my working life started.
Mentally I’ve held an acceptance of self very well throughout my life. Emotionally, the brain’s chemical imbalance experience can be a challenge to fight against, but self acceptance hasn’t been too much a problem. The challenge has been in dealing with the specific symptoms. E.g. I had an international flight to a friend’s wedding recently where he asked me to be a groomsman. Wonderful wedding. Worst flight of my life, my misophonia, claustrophobia, hyperacuity, and other symptoms were continuously triggered, and I vowed to never fly again. Maybe just domestic. I used to be fine with flying on planes.